Being me
by 4rmtheashes
Summary: It's about some of them thinking of who they are...and a two chapter fiction where they confess to the others. COMPLETE!
1. 1

A new story! Sorta dedicated to...loveisagiftuseitwisely...

* * *

Mysterious.

A loner.

Strong.

Fierce.

Conceited.

An enigma.

Proud.

Rich.

Pitiable.

This stuff may be some of the things conjured up in your mind when you hear my name.

Kai.

Kai Hiwatari.

Someone many despise yet love at the same time.

I don't even know who I am sometimes.

I'm very confused.

Many of you may think it is easy to behave like how I do.

But no, you're totally wrong.

When I want to laugh, express anger or any other feeling, I just can't.

I do actually feel; I'm not a robot.

When they tell jokes, I want to laugh.

When Tyson does something stupid, I want to laugh.

When I lose out to someone, I want to show that I'm sad.

When they say I'm emotionless and don't care for anyone, I get angry and feel like punching them.

There are many other situations that I want to react to.

But that just wouldn't be like me.

My pride will be hurt.

All these feelings cooped up inside me, make me breakdown sometimes.

Many times, I try to cry in the shower.

But my tears are just stuck, unable to come out.

It's a sickening feeling, when you're not able to cry, even when you're sad.

Very sad.

Probably because of the training at the abbey or probably just because I can't let my guard down, in fear of my pride being hurt.

I wish to remain a mystery to all, for if they knew the real me, I would never be able to face anyone again.

I always feel like showing and telling others that I do have a heart and I care for them but I can't bring myself to do that.

It would make me seem weak and I hate to be that.

My eyes may seem like bottomless pits of fire when you look into them, showing no emotions whatsoever.

Only if you search deeper will you find that they are full of feelings, hopes, thoughts.

Nobody has ever been able to find it.

Speech is silver, silence is golden.

This is something I learnt in the abbey.

I prefer to remain silent most of the time for I do not wish to say wrong things.

To be humiliated.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I've never believed that because there was only the worst at the abbey.

It made me the pessimist I am now.

I don't trust anyone.

Why?

The people I trusted left me and the only one that didn't has hurt me.

I never was able to trust anyone since then.

People are just too evil.

You never know what's on their minds.

They are very good actors and seldom say what really is on their minds.

I do not want to be a laughing stock when they were just actually pretending to be my friends and did not mean it.

My pride will be lowered.

I've always been ahead of my years, both mentally and physically.

It's definitely sucks and I hate being over mature.

I have problems that people older than me have and thinking like them may be a cause of it.

Coming to think of it, I'm just like a helpless child or a demanding one.

Helpless for I've nobody to turn to.

Demanding for I always want my pride, being the cause of all this.

It's a childish fear to be afraid of my pride being hurt.

Until I've over come the latter, I'll forever be like this.

It'll be great if I were like Max...

* * *

Liked it? Hope you did. Review!


	2. 2

Jani Rieme – You can reply to what's supposed to be him if you want. I would love to know how you feel!

HeC-Chan – Thanks so much!

Xianglian – You're just like many others!

FlamesOfFury – Thanks!

darkangelintheshadows – Thanks for your suggestion! I'm working on the rest

Cheerful.

Caring.

Sociable.

In fact, I seem to be the exact opposite of our dear leader, Kai.

But is this all true?

No.

I have no friends in a country I spend most of my time in.

I only visit my mother once in a blue moon.

I'd to leave all my friends in America.

I'm the youngest in my teams.

I'm seen as the weakest.

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…

I wear a mask, just like Kai does.

Just that we chose different ones and I wish I chose his, it's so much easier not to react than to fake something.

Tyson is one lucky guy.

He has no sorrows, he's the true one without them.

He's happy-go-lucky.

He lets go of things once they're done.

He doesn't need to think much about everything.

He's…

Only if I was him.

Then I won't have to keep up all this.

I can show my true emotions.

I can do what I want to.

I don't have to keep all my sadness inside me.

I…

But I can never do that due to lots of things, my teams, my friends, myself…

Though I'm not asstuck-up as Kai, I do admit that I'm unable to tear down that mask of mine because of my pride.

That horrible thing.

The day I become like Tyson will be the day pigs can fly.


	3. 3

lil' angelgrl- Yeah, it was Max

Atem's Queen of The Nile- Nice comment there!

Jani Rieme- Alright! I've changed it and thanks for the reminder!

ghostymangarocker- You're funny and yes, I agree you could be a counsellor when you grow up next time! And I do love long reviews so I didn't find it boring...pretty meaningful I would say.

waterlily- Thanks!

I'm really sorry people but I didn't know how to write this chapter. Tyson is really hard to write about because I've already written about Max and they are both basically the same. So I know this chapter doesn't rock but do read on!

* * *

If you've noticed, I'm pretty much like Kai.

You know that ignorant brat...yeah, him.

We've both lost our parents at a young age and taken after by our grandfathers, except that the way they us is pretty much different.

We're really cavalier and peeving blah blah blah...

Get what I mean now?

I seem happy all the time, cheering others up and breaking tense atmospheres by making a fool of myself. But is this the real me?

The answer is plain to see.

If I were really so, would you see me grieving when alone? Would you see me in a foetus position in the middle of the night, crying my heart out?

Am I really that stupid, always needing extra hints and needing them to spell out everything before I understand?

No.

I always stare blankly as I've already reasoned it out and am trying to think a step further.

Andto give a reason to suit my made-up personality, I just say that I'm clueless.

When they laugh at my pretend stupidity, I feel really bad but just continue acting like who they think I am.

My amour-propre is damaged each time they mock me, filled with increasing empty spaces.

When this part of me is finally decimated, all they'll find left is a broken me, nothing, shattered to pieces.

I hope that day will never come but my hope is slowly vanishing, with each time I'm laughed at, each time I make a fool of myself.

In this truculent world that no words can describe, I'm fading away...until one day I become just dust carried by the wind, and I'll be happy...carefree...with no sorrows...no burdens...

* * *

I'm feeling saturnine, explains the sad stuff very much. Up next, Ray! 


	4. 4

lil'angelgrl - I agree he is pitiful

ghosty mangarocker - You really are funny! Thanks for the explanation anyway but I still don't make sense of it. I know about all that, mate but really, if he has such high self-esteem why does he think so? I mean, he should think himself as invincible and stuff, right? Now I'm contradicting my 'story', just great. And for a fact, many of my reviews have been deleted by authors so you can tell how far I go with criticism. Thanks for your compliment too!

CucumberPickles - Good point there.But some people are really living behind a mask.I should know myself better. You say it's all because of fear.But why do you fear? Have you ever thought about it? Think about it (that is if you even read this!) I appreciate you taking your time to type so much, proves that you really read it thoroughly!

Jani Rieme - I don't know. Maybe you could help me?

* * *

Always calm and collected, with a kind word or encouragement for everyone. 

You can come to me for anything, advice, to be a listener, to share your joy with etc.

I'm not hubristic, just show to be a little complacent after victories.

I'd gratefully give up this position to someone else.

It's impossible for anyone to be so all the time, don't you think.

It's clear to see that it's just a façade, but why has no one ever noticed?

Everyone has the potential to boast a little when they emerge victorious and I'm no exception.

I'd like to jump up and shout for joy like Tyson does.

I'd like to act recklessly like Tyson does.

My life hadn't been all that wonderful considering I don't know who my parents are and I have no relatives in this vast world with a population of about 6 billion.

Driger was my only trustworthy companion as I grew up over the years.

Loneliness came as I was without relatives. It ate more and more into my heart over the years and so I left the village to look for someone to fill up that empty space.

Mr. Dickenson took me in and I'm grateful to him. But he couldn't be the one I needed, the one that would fulfill my quest.

Blading with the bladebreakers was a thrilling experience but it only made me even more cooped up then before.

I became one that would be there to help them out, someone whom they can lean on for support.

But even a support needs its refuge.

But I'm left in a room of my own, where I am alone. I scream out for somebody, anybody at all to give me comfort, give me strength, to be my sanctuary, but no one hears the pleas. The walls close in inch by inch everyday as I face more challenges, more turmoils.I'll become a solitary person one day, as the walls close me in, leaving space just for one and one alone.

As the walls come in even closer, it'll be too compact for me to even fit in and that is the day where I would be able to take all this no longer.Suicide would become my harborage.

I don't wish for that day to come. I covet someone would come to save me before that happens.

It is very much false hope as the walls are just inches from my face. I still have that small glimmer of hope, however, that my wish will come true, just like many others' wishes.

If it doesn't, I just wish that people out there wouldn't forget me as they go on with life, especially not my teammates and friends.

* * *

Everybody who is reading this...HELP!Okay, I've a few options, pppllleeeaaassseee respond and tell me what to do. 

a) End this fiction here

b) Write some other character's thoughts (tell me who)

c) Continue with this fiction by making afew chaptersbased on these fourfollowing after this chapter where everyone works together to bring out their true emotions (you must help me here if you want this option)

I've got many people to thank. I want to thank Linkin Park, Simple Plan, Backstreet Boys, Green Day for their songs, they inspired me on what to write for the chapters. I also want to thank darkangelintheshadows, FlamesOfFury, Xianglian, HeC-chan, Jani Rieme, lil'angelgrl, Atem's Queen of The Nile, White Valkyrie, ghostymangarocker, waterlily and CucumberPickles for reviewing once again.


	5. Ray

I'm finally back with another chapter.

Special thanks goes to ghostymangarocker and Jani Rieme for the completion of this chapter. (I always look forward to your reviews and Cucumber Pickles' too!)

Of course, I thank lil'angelgrl and waterlily for their reviews also.

Well, on with the chapter

* * *

Ray's POV 

It was Christmastime and we were having a little celebration at Tyson's dojo. The BBA Revolution team and their immediate family members were there to celebrate it.

The spirit of the festive season was evident in the dojo. We (with the exception of Kai) were all singing Christmas carols, chatting, laughing, eating, and to sum it up, having fun.

"Guys, I'm going to my dorm." I informed them. Many of them nodded to notify me that they heard what I said.

I went to my temporary room after giving everyone my chronic smile.

Lying face down on my temporary bed, my eyelids flutter shut.

All the unhappy memories came flooding back, those of being alone, those of not fitting in with the others, those of being bullied.

Buckets of tears flowed out uncontrollably. When I saw everyone so happy, so joyful, so lighthearted (excluding Kai) with their families, I felt out of place.

I didn't dare to tell anyone; it was I who always supported the team and I did not want the others to get worried.

Kai, well, is also a support of the team and doesn't need my support but I doubt he would hear me out.

As I am submersed deeper and deeper in my nightmare, I feel the whole world is closing in and there is no way out.

I took out a knife from my bag and sat up. Time to end it all.

I slid the sharp blade across my wrist. It felt really nice.

I made a deeper cut at the same place. Blood gushed out incessantly from the newly made wound.

Feeling satisfied, I moved on to the other wrist.

The blade easily cut my tender skin. Out came a particular crimson red liquid, flowing out faster than the water of the Niagara falls makes its way down to the lake below.

"Ray…why didn't you turn on the lights?"

Tyson!

He startled me and before he could turn the lights on, I wiped my tears away and tried to wipe the blood away while finding someway to hide my wrists, my wonted smile in place again.

"I just preferred the dark I guess. I'm a cat after all." I forced a laugh.

By now, Tyson had turned the lights on.

He stared at me, his glance turning from the blade in my hand, my slit wrists and my face.

His jaw dropped to the ground and he stood there for a minute, not making a sound nor moving.

After that, he hastily ran down.

I heard him ask Kai to come up and he said something about an emergency and me.

Kai said something about calling the ambulance.

A blithe smile replaced the accustomed one.

Somebody does care after all.

But I do not want to be hurt again, to feel lost again.

I've made my choice and I won't turn back.

I'm starting to feel a little dizzy from blood loss.

Kai is coming through the door now, his trademark scarf trailing behind him as he runs towards me.

He rips his scarf into two as soon as he gets it off his neck.

He tries to wrap the cloth around my lower arms to stop the blood from flowing.

I struggle and try to prevent him from doing so but he is far too strong and very soon, he has the two pieces of cloth tied firmly to my arms.

He holds my hands tightly, disallowing me from undoing the cloth that kept me from death.

He picked me up, bridal style and carried me down.

I heard some siren sound and the last thing I saw was red and blue lights before everything went pitch dark.

* * *

I opened my eyes and sat up groggily.

Where am I?

Seeing the white walls, I came to the realisation that I was in a hospital.

I just noticed that everyone who was at that party was here and that the atmosphere was very tense.

All eyes were on me.

I hung my head, finding the tiles exceptionally interesting.

"Ray, are you alright?" Max broke the silence.

I didn't make any effort to reply.

"Why did you do that?" Tyson asked, harshly.

I raised a brow at the adults in the room.

Seeing what I meant, they told their relatives and Daichi to leave us.

"Spill." Kai ordered.

I took in a deep breath. Let's just hope they can accept what I'm about to say.

"All of you know that I lost my parents when I was young. Most of you know how it feels. The loneliness, the helplessness. I came out here into the vastly populated world not just to improve my beyblading skills like I had explained but also to find comfort for my wounded soul.

Mr. Dickenson took me in but he couldn't give me what I had been searching for.

Then, I was teamed up with you guys. I found life even more unbearable. I coveted a pillar of strength and ended up being what I needed.

I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to do this." I sighed. My tears were coming down like rain, unstoppable, inevitable. I have finally broken down.


	6. Kai, Max, Tyson

Hahaz! This chapter came exceptionally fast!

* * *

Normal POV 

"It's alright Ray. You could've told us earlier. Then we could've helped you out. You didn't have to resort to suicide." Kenny's words weren't comforting to Ray.

"And what could you do? Nothing!" Ray exclaimed.

"We could've shared your burden." Tyson said, suddenly becoming very sensible.

"What about mine?" Max whined.

"Do you have a burden, Mr. Happy – go – lucky?" Tyson taunted insensitively, standing up.

"What do you think, glutton?" Max challenged, raising his voice. He also stood up and made eye contact with Tyson, their noses almost touching.

"You're not the one that's always being laughed at.

You're not the one that is being mocked.

You're not the one that doesn't know who his mother is.

You're not the one whose father visits him once in a blue moon and only stays with his grandfather.

You're not the one that has never had many friends.

You're not the one…you're just not…and I envy you…" The last few words were slurred. Tears were streaking down his face and he sat back down onto the chair he had been sitting on before.

Max was looking down at the floor, feeling a little guilty.

"I'm not much better off either.

Before my parents divorced when I was 9, they always fought. I was able to hear them from my room and I'd be sobbing, listening to them quarrel. Every night I would wake up from nightmares about them and have no one comfort me. I was so young then, yet I had already experienced much of the atrocious world, this obdurate world with little compassion, little empathy.

Then I had to leave America and come to Japan. In a way it was good because I could leave those sad memories behind but I had to leave my few and precious friends behind too. I also had to leave my mother.

When I came to Japan, I wasn't welcome. I know very little Japanese and since I'm a foreigner, all my classmates didn't want to befriend me. I had no friends and was void of friendship.

It was until you guys came along and I showed off a little of my beyblading skills did I make my first friends in Japan. I didn't want to lose you and I knew an optimistic person is favoured by most so I pretended to be an insouciant person.

However, once I made that decision, I couldn't turn back. But my true personality wasn't that hyper one and I couldn't show that I'm sad. All the sadness that is suppressed is bursting out and I just can't take it anymore!" Max also broke out in tears. Now 60 per cent of the people in the room were crying.

Make it four-fifth since Kenny just started. Don't know why, guess he's just sad hearing everyone speak like this.

They all looked at Kai. He was in one of his usual postures – right leg bent vertically on the bed, right lower arm resting on his right knee, left hand draped down, eyes closed.

He could feel the stares but didn't open his eyes.

"What do you want?" He said adamantly, scowling.

"Do you have anything to say?" Ray asked between sobs and sniffles.

"Expecting me to break down like all of you?"

"You don't have to keep up that tough demeanor around us. We aren't Voltaire, or Boris."

"I...I guess I do have something to say..." He trailed off. It was very unlike Kai to stutter or to leave anything unsaid.

"We're listening." Max said.

"It's very long a story..." Kai started.

"Go on, we're listening." Tyson prompted.

"I'm not sure..." Kai said, turning to face the wall. His eyes were watering and he did not want anyone to see the unshed tears.

"Just tell us." Kenny encouraged.

--Long uncomfortable silence--

"Well...fine..." He said, a little unsure of himself. He turned back to face them, a little calmer and looking perfectly inexorable like before.

They gave him strained smiles, urging him to go on.

He burst out, "I'm sick of being emotionless! I want to laugh like all normal people, cry like everyone; show that I'm sad, show that I'm angry and all the other emotions! Is that alright?" The last sentence was reduced to a whisper. Tears were brimming out and one by one they slid down his face, staining his near perfect countenance.

"I guess it is about time we just gave up our past and start anew."

"Yeah, Max."

Kai and Ray nodded.

Their lips curved into a smile.

They all silently promised that they won't hide behind a mask again or keep anymore secrets from the others. Maybe Kai didn't promise the latter...

* * *

It's done! It's done! I've finished a chaptered fiction! Hurray! And do my research and my homework. And revise for the school-deciding exam in October. And resolve some complications in my life. And get the guts to say something. That's lots to do. And there's only 23 hours 56 minutes a day! Can't a day be longer! 


End file.
